I would be lying if I tried to pretend boundary setting was an easy skill to learn. I actually found it more challenging than most of my professional, clinical training! Here were my biggest struggles while learning. I’ve seen these same struggles play out in colleagues, so I wanted you to know you will not be alone in your challenges. I’ve also shared the biggest key to my ability to manage the challenge.

1. I want to be a good coworker.

With that team-player attitude, you are potentially a huge asset to your employer! Unfortunately, we tend to assume “good coworker” means being a doormat with our boundaries. Somehow, when a coworker is sick, on vacation or needs a break, you are there, covering for them. And the more accommodating you are, the more you are asked. 

A common area this plays out is between singles and parents. Parents have commitments. Unbreakable vows. Usually called daycare hours. These unbreakable vows are also a secret weapon in enforcing boundaries. They CAN’T let their children sit in a kennel an extra three hours. Saying yes to staying is impossible for them. In a work environment that doesn’t recognize, value and aggressively defend boundaries, SOMEONE has to stay late. One of my tough love mentors used to tell residents “Shit rolls downhill.” Guess where the shit lands in this field? The people that don’t have boundaries! 

Key strategy: You are a good coworker if you care and want to be part of a team. To be effective, a team requires a shared vision. If you are getting tired and burnt out, others are too!!! You need to work as a team to protect each other! That means developing community boundaries and communal defense of those boundaries. Someone have a daycare pickup? You all work together to decline any appointments or emergencies past a certain cut off. Someone is sick? Reschedule, reschedule, reschedule. A good coworker sets boundaries for themselves and lives as an example so others have an inspiration to say no for themselves.

2. I’m worried about upsetting other people.

So. You’re a people pleaser, eh? I have bad news for you. There will never be a time when everybody is happy! If you say yes to one thing, you are saying no to another. “Yes, Ms. Smith, I’ll stay a little late to help you with Fluffy.” also means “I’m so sorry sweetie, Daddy’s going to have to help you with your homework because I won’t be home before dinner.” (Actually, you are saying no to pretty much everything else! ) 

Another area I see this fear of upsetting others in our industry is the adoption of the service industry’s mantra: The customer is always right. Consciously or subconsciously, we tend to behave as though we believe this mantra. But it’s highly inaccurate for our industry. Decisions have consequences. The consequences our clients generate impact their pet, who is in our care. They are not always right. 

Key strategy: Make a list of those you are worried you will upset. Now, prioritize that list, according to your level of responsibility to them, the consequences of upsetting them, and the value of your emotional connection to them. Now, put yourself in the number 1 spot. No exceptions, no loopholes, no arguments. The only person whose happiness you have control over is yours. I guarantee you will upset everyone on your list at least once. The happier you are, the happier the people on your list will learn to be. 

3. I am responsible for the well-being of my patients, even if it’s inconvenient.

That is very, very true. And this is one of the trickier boundary challenges to manage. We do have a responsibility, that can’t be shirked. However, we tend to use this excuse to the extreme. This particular challenge is one that requires some top-notch boundary skills, because it requires balance and conscious awareness of your ethics. It requires honest self-assessments to see when we are assuming we are the only human that could possibly save the day. Are we trying to be the hero? Or are we fulfilling our responsibilities, without taking the consequences of other people’s responsibilities? Should you stay a half hour late because a client forgot to pick up a medication that they are out of that day? No. You can call a script in to a 24 hour pharmacy and fulfill your boundary of leaving work by 6:30pm. Should you stay late because the dog that had a blood draw right before closing is bleeding through the bandage and dripping blood everywhere? Yes, until the situation is stabilized and addressed, we have an ethical responsibility to ensure this patient’s well-being. The trick here is to not assume more than what you are responsible for. Be kind to yourself while working this one out. Take care of your responsibility, but don’t take other’s responsibilities from them.

Key strategy: Get in the habit of reviewing your boundary every time it is challenged. Boundaries are gates, not walls. Sometimes, in the correct circumstances, you open the gate to allow someone/thing to pass the boundary. You do not leave the gate open and invite everyone and everything in, but you also don’t build a wall and refuse any leniency. Common struggles are to be far too lenient, and then to overcorrect and refuse to compromise in any situation. 

4. I set a boundary, and no one is respecting it.

Now, it is possible you are surrounded by disrespectful, toxic or manipulative people. But it is far more common that as you are learning to set boundaries, others are learning about boundaries right along side you. We frequently think that we have communicated a very clear boundary, but it is misunderstood, unclear, or we have a history of failing to enforce boundaries. This leaves a lot of grey area for people to accidentally or intentionally breach our boundary. If the breach of your boundary does not endanger you physically, mentally or emotionally, try to revise your communication strategy. Re-express your boundary with clear definitions. If you are endangered by the breach of your boundary, find an advocate to address the breach with you, or if there is immediate danger, remove yourself from the situation immediately. 

One thing we often struggle with when learning to set boundaries is to establish and communicate consequences for failing to respect our boundaries. The client that bullies your staff to get your home number? There needs to be clear communication as to what the boundaries are and what consequences to expect. “You are never to contact me outside of the office number again, or you will need to find a new veterinarian. There will be no further warnings or chances beyond this one. Please call back during business hours tomorrow to discuss your concerns.” Discussing the consequences when first introducing the boundary can frequently save you from having to re-express or fortify your boundary, but does not excuse you from enforcing the consequence. 

Key strategy: Communicate clearly, consistently, and frequently. Be forgiving of yourself and others as you learn the skills of boundary communication. Define and communicate the boundary and consequences.

5. I don’t have the time and energy to say no. Again!

More of us in this profession are introverts than extroverted. And doing our job requires a lot of communication, interaction with others, and attention to the outside world. The very definition of introvert is that you draw energy from turning into your inner world, and you expend energy interacting with the outside world. Challenging skills, like boundary setting, are going to take more than your average energy, and our average day often depletes what energy reserves we have. Making decisions, engaging other people’s stresses and fears, managing our own stresses and fears, and trying to ensure our patient’s best outcomes can fatigue our ability to make decisions, engage emotional and mental challenges, and stand up for ourselves. At some point it just becomes easier to not fight for our boundary. 

Key strategy: Recognize when you have reached decision fatigue or do not have the energy to defend a boundary, but choosing to address the consequences of boundary breach when you do have the energy. Do not dismiss the consequences for others, but do not feel that every boundary issue needs to be defended immediately. Clear and proactive communication is also an offensive strategy. 

Which one of these boundary issues do you struggle with the most? Which one would make the biggest change in your life if you chose to put the work into overcoming it? Have you encountered any other challenges in boundary setting you think are common among veterinarians? Tell us below- help us all be stronger!

Additional Resources:

When to Say Yes and When to Say No

Book Rounds: Boundaries

Book Rounds: Happiness