Kristina Kiefer

Imposter syndrome. That feeling of not deserving the position you are in sucks. It can quite literally keep you from moving forward. But you know what’s worse? When your secret beliefs of being an “imposter” are confirmed. You failed that test. You didn’t match to a residency. You got a review that identifies a weakness as an obstruction for advancement. You lost a patient. Someone tells you that you are the worst doctor they’ve ever met. Your staff complains that you are difficult to work with. You were let go from your job. Your child calls you the worst mother ever. 

That stuff punches you right in the heart and the motivation. That fear that scares you away from reaching for the stars is no longer just fear. It is negative validation. You have been identified. Now you don’t just feel like an imposter. The rest of the world now knows you are an imposter.  Or so goes the inner monologue. 

Dealing with any sort of negative feedback isn’t a walk in the park, but it can be paralyzing when it finds it’s way to your insecurities! The easy thing to do is believe it, decide the gig is up, and quickly and quietly slip out the back door. Find a new job. Avoid a relationship. Quit a project. Stop trying, and stop risking. But you offer the world something no one else can. YOU!  Running and hiding is not going to make this world a better place. You showing up courageously and battling this thing, will. 

No matter what it feels like, you are not alone in this. I am a quintessential imposter syndrome sufferer. I am also not the best at what I do. I make errors. My grades weren’t perfect. I do/see things differently than other people. I take chances, which guarantees some failures. I have been in the position of having my feelings of being an imposter validated many times.  Especially over the last year. Someone (in a position of power) at my last job thought I didn’t provide enough value to offer the support I needed to address one of my weaknesses. They decided they didn’t want to employ me anymore. Talk about devastating. Talk about feeling like an imposter. Talk about doubting myself. 

I got really, freaking tired of other people’s opinions crippling me, though. I’ve been in this moment of cross-roads over and over. And it is NEVER easy. But if I took those pieces of negative validation at face value, I would be nowhere close to who or where I am today. I’ve had to plow through this enough times that I’ve started to recognize the process of how to conquer it. So, here is my methodology for getting through this situation. 

1.Feel the feelings.
You are allowed to. There is nothing wrong with being angry. Hurt. Frustrated. Confused. Having a good old fashioned hiccupping sob fest is therapeutic. Punching the crap out of a punching bag is too. Asking your mommy or significant other for a hug and an ear is totally allowed (and encouraged!). Rage eating gummy bears- OK, too (within reason. But stay away from the 1# bag of sugar-free Harbirou gummies. Regrets will be abundant. So I hear. The amazon reviews are better for your health and worth the time! Laughter is legit medicine.). 

Get them all out. On paper, on the punching bag, in the puddle of tears. We need this part before we can graciously and bravely accomplish the next step. Feel free to give yourself time too. Sleep does amazing things to problems. In the moment, you are looking at this situation through a microscope. Sleep and time pulls you away from the lens of a microscope, and allows you to see the bigger picture and a different perspective. There is no reason you can’t take a day, days or sometimes even weeks to work through all the feels. Just be sure to communicate if a response is time-sensitive, what time-line you are planning. 

1b: If you didn’t really do 1, go back. Ignoring those pesky feelings has a way of backfiring on you, and surfacing at the least helpful and most embarrassing times, which just compounds your challenges! Don’t worry. We’ll wait right here for you until you are ready. Get your dandelions in correct focus!

2: Clean up your potty mouth. 

Failure is an f-word. Not just in the literal sense. In the full of feeling and derision and condemnation cuss word kind of way. Now that we’ve given your feelings some space, it’s time to have some self-discipline. Stop using the f-word. It’s not good for you. At least not right now. Failure is nothing more than a lack of success…… YET!  However, we have so many conditioned emotions attached to the word that are not helping us right now.  Fear. Defeat. Shame. Brene Brown, shame researcher, speaks of the ill consequences of shame. Shame is different than guilt. “Shame is focusing on self, guilt is focusing on behavior…. Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I am a mistake.” Guilt should be respected. Shame should be a signal to lean in hard, because you have the choice of personal growth, or stasis. For every negative piece of feedback you receive, ideally, there should be at least five positive feedback experiences. You just received a doozy of a negative, and we don’t need to compound that with more negative feedback. Until you can bring to mind the thought of failure without shame, let’s stop using the word. Instead, think of this experience as flawsome. You are awesome with and because of your flaws! 

3: Call in the posse

The people that know you. That know your situation. That can give you the outsiders perspective on the situation. That can remind you that your value is so much more than this moment in time. Those people are critical players right now. Shame might make you want to hide and hold it all in. But these people will be your cheerleaders and speak truth into the situation that you may struggle to find your own. Tell them all about your flawsome experience, and let them help you see the flawsomeness as an opportunity!

4: Harvest.

FailureBeing flawsome, in and of itself is nothing more than a necessary component to learning. Yes, there may be consequences. Even some that feel unbearable. But you CANNOT achieve greatness without the learning process of flaws. There is an opportunity and responsibility to learn from every situation in life. Some of the lessons are more challenging to find than others. And those situations that seem to validate your imposter syndrome can be the most paralyzing. One of the most powerful tools to overcome that paralysis is to gather information. Every piece of information we receive passes through the filter of our interpretation. Feedback very easily undergoes the distortion of communication that we learned in the childhood game of telephone. No matter the intention of the feedback, or your initial perception, it is your choice what to do with it. You can convert negative feedback into positive action. Evaluation can be reshaped into coaching. To do this, gather as much information as you possibly can. Do this with curiosity- not defensiveness, not with anger or fear. The more emotions you armor yourself with, the more layers of interpretation it must pass through. The more curious you are, the more clear the big picture is. 

Once upon a time, a bestie and I found an ad for two open positions at the same business, that would fit in perfectly with our skills and goals. We had dreams of working side by side. We each applied for the position we were interested in. Neither of us were offered what we interviewed for. The position I interviewed for was offered to someone else, and the position my bestie interviewed for was offered to me. I was mortified. She was far better qualified and would have enjoyed the work and done better at it. I was set to decline, but as we were discussing it, she blew me out of the water with her approach. She asked me to help her plan a set of questions she wanted to ask the interviewer about her performance. So she could be better prepared for next time, when the stakes were likely to be higher. She harvested feedback and experience from the situation, while I was ready to throw in the towel in frustration and the sense of being an imposter. This was a huge light-bulb moment for me in this journey of facing these situations! Score for wise besties!

5: Establish the facts

This might be the facts surrounding your harvest. If so, be very specific in limiting this to facts, not emotional interpretation. Not every piece of feedback is valid. That client that told you that you are the worst is wrong. Period. There is still work to be done here- maybe there is a skill you can improve on, or a strategy to help manage abusive or aggressive clients that you could develop. But you are definitely not the worst doctor. That is a flat out lie. That piece of feedback is invalid and useless. It does not deserve the consideration to prevent you from carrying on. There is probably something you can still learn from this situation, but this particular piece of feedback is worse than useless. You have every right to choose whether you accept a piece of feedback as valid or invalid.

I am a huge advocate of establishing that your value does NOT hinge on this experience. You are valuable and precious, regardless of this crisis. Find the facts regarding your value. This is a really good task to involve your posse in, as well. In the midst of pain, it may be hard to remember your value, or where your previous successes demonstrate your flawsomeness. Make a list (or ask your posse to help you make a list). Hang the list. Memorize the list. Review frequently.

6. Create an action plan. 

This is where it’s super easy to stall. You may struggle to see a path to resolution. Or that paralysis may extend to your motivation. If not, great! Kill it! If so, proactively and mightily get help! Seek a mentor, a coach or a therapist, as appropriate. Personally, seeing a reasonable action plan before me is probably the most useful tool to keep me from giving the upper hand  to despair or shame.  

My action plan when I learned my contract wasn’t being renewed was to create a job that contained all of the things I loved (mentoring, teaching, serving, working with clients and pets, research) and none of the things that sucked my soul and joy right out of the job (fruitless meetings, contentious and toxic work environments, ineffective management, tasks that checked boxes but provided minimal value). And here I am. Doing exactly that. Feeling infinitely more valued, and valuing my work so much more. But having that plan and goal to reach for broke the chains of my validated fear.

You may have to revisit some of these multiple times. Feelings may resurface, the sense of paralysis my overwhelm, or you may forget how far you’ve come. Repeat each step as necessary. And ask for help frequently and bravely. You deserve it. And the world needs you. 

Have you found other strategies for overcoming these situations? What works best for you? Need some encouragement or resources to get momentum? Send us a message- we’ll do what we can to get you the tools you need to get through this! You are absolutely worth it! Flaunt your flawsome self, and help us learn along with you!

Further Reading/Resources:
Book Rounds: Imposter Syndrome
Book Rounds: Feedback