I Thought It Was Just Me
(But It Isn’t)

Making the Journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough”

Brene Brown

Who should read: Anyone suffering from imposter syndrome, feeling that they aren’t “enough”, or suffering from shame (different than guilt!). 

Favorite quotes: “When we believe success should be effortless, we simultaneously set ourselves up for shame and diminish the efforts of people who are working on their issues around perfectionism”

Shame Versus Guilt

Have you ever stopped to wonder whether shame is good or bad for you? When you experience shame, how do you feel? Brene Brown asked that question to hundreds of individuals. Their answers indicate an emotional, physiological and psychologically dark experience. If your initial reaction was that shame can be good, you are probably using the term synonymously with guilt. The author does not- she has gathered significant evidence that shame is damaging, and needs to be distinguished from guilt. Her distinction is thus: “Guilt is holding an action or behavior up against our ethics, values and beliefs. [We] feel guilt when the behavior is inconsistent with who we want to be. Shame is focusing on who we are rather than what we’ve done.” Shame creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection which are counterproductive to positive action and growth. Guilt motivates positive behavior change, whereas shame tends to paralyze or create negative behaviors. 

Shame and the Veterinary Profession

Our profession is ripe with opportunities for shame. Clients and society love to blame us for financial limitations in treatment, inability to divine a diagnosis without diagnostics, and making mistakes. We face the opportunity for shame on a daily basis. And sadly, many of us readily accept it, or create it for ourselves! Shame thrives in isolation, which drives disconnection, which is a huge factor in burnout and suicide. Shame is something we need to be paying attention to in our field. The bright spot in this, is that Brene Brown’s studies have shown that we can develop skills to be resilient against shame. She uses this book to outline the skillsets and strategies she has identified in individuals she classifies as “shame resilient”. 

Number 1 Strategy to Combat Shame

One of the most universal skills identified in shame resilient individuals is the ability to give and receive empathy. Empathy towards others and towards self is equally critical. And it needs to be distinguished from sympathy. Sympathy is to be sorry or sad for someone, but not try to understand it from their perspective. Empathy is to compassionately place yourself in the other’s persons shoes and understand what they may be feeling or going through. If someone is experiencing shame, and receives sympathy rather than empathy, it can backfire and cause the individual further shame. If you choose to work on one skill towards shame resilience, empathy, and emotional intelligence will be your biggest bang for your buck!

Supporting Skills for Shame Resilience

Shame resilient individuals can recognize shame in themselves as it is occurring, and have developed patterns and behaviors to negotiate the experience in a constructive way.

In addition to empathy, high shame resilient individuals had the following characteristics: 

1. Recognize shame and understand triggers

Shame often has physical and physiologic response (feeling hot, short of breath, heart rate changes) that can be markers for helping you identify moments when you are experiencing shame. Emotional response that are very common are fear and blame. Every individual will experience it differently, but the key is to recognize your markers. Recognition might seem like a silly task, but it is necessary to be able to manage shame effectively. Practice often and frequently! As you become skilled at recognizing you may start noticing patterns or specific events or comments that trigger the feeling of shame. Knowing these triggers will help you identify shame even quicker, and perhaps even manage things enough to avoid your triggers. 

2. Practice critical awareness

The common responses to feelings of shame are to individualize (make it personal and feel as though you are the only one to experience this), pathologize (feeling as though there is something wrong with you), and reinforce (I should be ashamed of myself). Individuals with high shame resilience learn to replace these response with more constructive reactions. Instead, they contextualize (identify the place this situation has in the big picture), normalize (recognize and/or identify the common experience) and demystify (share knowledge of the situation with others). 

3. Reach out

Shame needs isolation to thrive. In connection and community, and bathed in empathy, it cannot survive. Shame resilient individuals resist the urge to hide their shame, and they intentionally connect with others that help them contextualize, empathize and feel the normalization of the situation. 

4. Growth Mindset

People that have developed the shame resilient skill can and will effectively communicate how they are feeling, and ask for help. They very proactively choose growth over perfection. 

Dangers of Indulging Shame

These are not skills that are learned overnight. These are skills that were fought for and earned through blood sweat and tears. But I believe they are desperately needed, and an awareness and open discussion of how dangerous the consequences of shame are needs to be infused into our profession. In addition to prohibiting our personal and professional growth, shame is dangerous due to it’s association with addiction. There seems to be a bit of a chicken and an egg scenario with addiction: those suffering from addiction are going to experience shame, but individuals susceptible to shame may “self-medicate” with addictions. A vicious cycle develops. Given our responsibilities and access to controlled drugs, and the perpetual opportunity for shame, it creates the perfect storm for some of us. Being self-aware can also help us recognize when others may be at risk or struggling, which may be an opportunity to save colleagues from a world of hurt or deadly choices. So, regardless of whether you feel like this information is personally applicable, it is good information for our profession at large. 

If the topic interests you, the book delves into exploring the research behind resilience and factors that may contribute to shame (gender, socioeconomic status, age). Brene is also dedicated to using stories and real-life examples to demonstrate her points, so brings more of a concreteness to the abstract concepts of her research. 

Go forth and be resilient, my incredible and amazing colleagues! 

Practical Implementation Exercises: 

1. Next time someone shares a difficult experience with you, examine your response- did you respond with empathy or sympathy? Can you recall a time someone responded to you with empathy, and how that felt different? 

2. Keep a logbook of moments throughout the week that you felt shame. Note the emotional or physical responses associated with those moments. Continue this logbook until you feel that you are recognizing shame in the moment. 

3. Think about who you would trust most to try to share a moment of shame, be it small or big. If you feel you don’t have someone you could share with, would you be willing to share with a counselor or therapist? 

4. Examine a moment of shame. What could you do in the future to avoid a similar moment of shame? If a colleague were describing the situation to you, as though it had happened to them, how would you respond? Could you respond to yourself in a similar manner? 

Additional resources:

Understanding Emotional Intelligence

Understanding Empathy Versus Sympathy

Critical Awareness Resources

Blog Post: Coping with Vet Shaming