How To Win Friends & Influence People

Part I: Connecting with Communication Skills

Dale Carnegie

Who should read: Any staff that have interactions with each other or clientele! 

Favorite quote: Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face. 

We learn in vet school: ‘Every pet has an owner attached to the other end of the leash.’ We learn the hard way that the other end of the leash makes the decisions and investments for the cute end. So, learning to connect with the decision-making end is in your best interest.  The other end is often a stranger. A stranger that has opinions, emotions, and access to an infinitum of variably valuable information, but needs you to meet their goals. Often, your goals coincide, however the expectations and desire for arriving there may be drastically different. Dale Carnegie was a master at connecting, and teaching people to connect. There is a boatload of useful info in this book, so this book will be a two-parter. 

However, I’m going to take a moment here to discuss one component of connection that I believe is critical, and is critically missing from this book. Dale’s primary goal is to create a good working relationship and connection. I think we as veterinarians, need to define our goal as creating a good working relationship and connection that maintains the quality of life of all involved parties. The emotions we encounter on the other end of the leash are frequently intense. They can generate some incredibly intense behaviors. To maintain quality of life for all involved parties (yes, I’m including you), boundaries are incredibly necessary. Dale’s method is incredibly useful, but if you take it at face value (typified by the attitude that ‘the client is always right’), and don’t practice your boundaries, you’ll be a doormat. A very sad, unhealthy and unhappy doormat. And we need more from you than that. One of my early mentors shocked me with a pretty frank discussion regarding management styles and criticizing the ‘client is always right’ mentality. And I’ve come to agree pretty strongly with her. So, I’m going to insert a few of my own opinions here and there where I think face-value practice needs some modifications and specific attention for our purposes. 

Lest I miss an opportunity to save one life, I also think this skill set is equally critical for our well-being as a profession. We tend to get so busy or overwhelmed with the case-load and tasks that it’s very easy to forget to connect and check in with each other. I believe if we apply these principles to each other, we’ll be better off as profession. Science validates the importance of connection: it plays a role in avoiding burnout, sustaining physical and emotional well-being, and suicide prevention. Practice these skills for yourself. Practice them for your coworkers. Connection is a fundamental need of humans. Connection with friends and family is great, but we spend the vast majority of our waking hours with clients and coworkers, so let’s capitalize on that opportunity for connection!

There are two major skills he focuses on in the first half of the book. I’ll define them as people skills and likeability. Dale has some defined principles for each skill. 

People Skills

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. 

Communication in which someone feels judged is going to place them on their guard. Connection is nearly impossible once this is perceived or imagined. We need to be extra vigilant to what we say and how we say it to owners. This is most definitely a skill that can be honed- you can ask coworkers and colleagues to give you feedback about how you come across in client interactions. You’ll save yourself a lot of grief if you become skilled at communicating with gentleness and openness. This is just as critical with our interactions with each other. Feedback should be gentle, formulated as an opportunity for growth, or not stated at all. If it’s not going to improve things, think thrice about saying it. 

Give honest and sincere appreciation. 

We talked about the ability and importance of giving appreciation in Book Rounds previously. I think we can inherently understand the value of appreciation in the workplace, but how about appreciation of our clients? One of the greatest human desires is to feel important, heard and seen. That cutie on the end of the leash would not be in your office if the other end didn’t care enough to bring them in. How often do you remember to appreciate that? To their face? Appreciation builds connection! 

Arouse in the other person an eager want. 

You don’t have to be a salesperson if the other person really wants what you have to offer! The  greatest motivator is want. Your employees are waaay more likely to implement change if they want it! Here’s where the skill comes in: showing them how what you are recommending leads to what they want. That skill they tried to teach us in school about identifying the owner’s goals comes in handy here! 

Likeability

People are much more likely to trust people they like. Have you ever noticed that your friends and acquaintances who actually have their own vet still want your opinion? It’s probably not because they think there is a drastic difference in your training or skillsets. It’s far more likely they trust you because they like you! While it’s hard to prove how awesome you are in 15 minutes or less, it’s not impossible. Maya Angelou says People don’t remember what you say- they remember how you make them feel. Carnegie appears to be of the same opinion with his strategies for likeability. 

Become genuinely interested in other people. 

Dale uses the very best analogy here: dogs. People love them because the dog has no ulterior motive other than being interested in you! People love to feel special, and what makes you feel more special than someone being legitimately interested in you? 

Smile

Smile with your face, but also your voice. A smile is an action that says I am glad you are here. I like you. “You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.” Emotions are infectious (look into mirror neurons if you don’t believe me), so a client that feels that you are glad to see them are much more likely to reciprocate! And I know it can be hard to be excited about meeting people in the midst of a chaotic day. Carnegie has wisdom for that too: “ It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.”

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. 

Addressing people by their name builds a connection and an intimacy that is hard to ignore. I had a pretty hard lesson in this during my internship. I moved across the country for my internship to a new state. The staff was under strict instructions to call us Dr. So and So, and we called our intern-mates by our last names. It was an internship, which meant I had two things happening in my life: work and sleep. I went an entire year not hearing my first name unless I called home. It felt very lonely and disconcerting to not feel like I was close enough to anyone for them to use my name. When I did speak to someone who used my name, it was like I was finely getting much needed sunshine or water! 

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. 

I’ll add and their pets. People LOVE talking about their pets, and this can be easier for some people to do than talking about themselves! The secret to a great conversationalist is to spend more time listening than speaking. Now, you have to speak for the educational part of your job, but don’t underestimate the power of giving them the chance to do some talking about themselves and their pet! 

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. 

Here’s a freebie- your clients are there to get help for their pet. They are interested in animals!!! So are you! Instant commonality! Make your educational speeches specific to their pets and their problems! Throw in their pet’s name frequently! 

Make the other person feel important- and do it sincerely. 

The honest truth is that your patient’s well-being rests completely on the shoulders of your client. You cannot succeed without them. It’s easy to forget how critical they are in addressing the problem. It’s easy for THEM to forget how critical they are in addressing the problem! Make sure to appreciate them and highlight how much of a role they have in the outcome and care! 

While I specifically wrote my examples regarding our connection with clients, all of these principles and strategies are just as important for your connecting with your coworkers, family and acquaintances so you have ample opportunity to practice anywhere and everywhere! 

Practical Implementation Exercises: 

1. What component of people skills do you feel the strongest in? Weakest? How could you begin practicing to improve this area? 

2. Which strategies for likeability do you already practice? Are there any areas you don’t utilize? Choose one and practice it for the next week! Take note of how you feel like your interactions go before and after your week of practice. 

Additional resources:

Book Rounds: Boundaries

Book Rounds: Appreciation in the Workplace