The Coaching Habit 

Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

Michael Bungay Stanier

Who should read: Anyone who finds themselves in any sort of leadership role!

Favorite quote: “What will you say no to if you’re truly saying yes to this?”

I know, I know- you’re a veterinarian! Not a coach! Hold your horses. I actually think veterinarians ARE placed in a coaching role, acknowledged or not. Obviously, professors or teachers are in a formal role of guidance. But even if you don’t have a student, resident or intern, you have staff you are working with, that look to you for direction, guidelines and expectations. You have clients that depend on you to educate and direct them on care for their beloved fur family. Learning some coaching strategies can be very valuable for us! And, I’d actually propose it can relieve some of our stresses. We tend to take responsibility for our staff and clients to the point of unhealthy extremes. Coaching is very emphatically placing personal responsibility on each individual. We empower them to make their own choices and take their own actions- we don’t control them. Now, clearly, there needs to be some boundaries around both staff and clients- if they cannot stay within our boundaries, there need to be consequences. But when you are working with individuals that WANT to do better, coaching is a powerful tool. 

            The book is very clear that this is meant to become a habit- not another time consuming task that you have to struggle to accomplish. You are not becoming a coach- you are becoming more coach-like. Mr. Stanier states that it shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes of your time. Coaching should be able to help you, as much as the people you are working with! He talks about three major problems that are found in workplaces that coaching can help manage: 

1. Overdependence: Coaching helps your team become more autonomous and self-sufficient, freeing up more of your time! 

2. Overwhelm: A coaching habit helps you regain focus on what work has real impact, and where you should be spending your time. 

3. Disconnection: The more time we spend on things that have no purpose or minimal purpose, the less motivation and engagement we have. The skill to redirect your team’s focus can build a stronger, deeper connection. 

The major focus of The Coaching Habit is learning to use questions powerfully. Mr. Stanier strongly recommends asking onequestion at a time, and shutting up and listening to the answer. Don’t overwhelm your target with more questions- be patient! He gives us an outline of seven questions to build our skillset. 

1. “What’s on your mind?” Cut to the heart of what is bothering them without assuming you know. 

2. “And what else?” This question helps you tame your advice monster, promotes people to draw their own conclusions and problem solve, and generate more options to consider. It keeps you from jumping in with a pat solution and risking the individual not feeling heard. (Average time before a doctor interrupts a patient is 18 sec!)¹People are far more excited and motivated to act on an idea if they think it’s theirs, so this question can lead them to a personal solution they may follow through on. Mr. Stanier’s strategy is to ask this question in sequence at least three times, but no more than five.  

3. “What’s the real challenge here (for you)?” This addresses a common issue whereby people rarely present the primary problem. They may just need to decompress, but haven’t analyzed what is bothering them, or what to do about it! You are focusing them in order to work towards a solution. You can only coach the individual in front of you, so a complaining session may feel good, but rarely produces a solution, and is a time and emotion drain for you! 

4. “What do you want?” Save both of you some time and establish what the person is after. Is it realistic? Is it possible? Is it going to solve the problem? 

5. “How can I help?” This can save you a ton of time and energy! You are asking for a direct and clear request (more empowerment!). And it saves you from making assumptions! They may simply desire someone to listen, rather than intervene. Or they may be seeking advice and support to take their own actions. 

6. “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?” The intention here is to act with strategy. There are consequences to every action or inaction. Are the consequences acceptable? Desirable? You might actually have to ask yourself this question before committing to this person’s wants/requests.

7. “What was most useful to you?” The purpose with this question is to allow a learning opportunity for you, but also to cause the individual to reflect and ingrain the new information. 

This was a multi-media adventure of a book! Supplemented with video, podcast and book references to enhance the points, it can be a quick read, or an educational endeavor. There are homework assignments, and worksheets, with the intention of trying to promote you to build a new habit. If this information appeals to you at all, I highly recommend the book!  

^1. Frankel et al. Ann Intern Med 1984. The effect of physician behavior on the collection of data.