Shame doesn’t help us. It hurts us. Brene Brown has spent her career studying the impact of shame on individuals, and she’s found it is associated with isolation, paralysis, and a fixed mindset. Shame shuts down our hope that we can do better. It is the belief that we are bad, and we cannot change it. There is no room for this in vet med! With our mental health crisis and repeated loss of colleagues to suicide, it is our responsibility to identify and combat shame in ourselves and our colleagues. These places are where I see it most frequently in our profession. If you find yourself participating in any of these shame trigger points, I implore you to work to overcome them! Intentional awareness, accountability partners, therapists or coaches are all excellent strategies. If you see others succumbing the any of these, encourage and defend them from the shame monster! 

Cost of Services

We are frequently accused of being “in it for the money”. Financial advisors reviewing our businesses would find that outrageous. We frequently undercharge for our services, and struggle to maintain thriving businesses! But hearing those accusations still feed feelings of shame and makes us wonder how we can care and charge money.

We have the right to exist as a profession. To offer the best care we possibly can. To employ and cultivate the most dedicated and hard-working individuals. None of that happens without money. And lots of it. We will continue to lose staff to other professions if we continue to underpay them. We will continue to struggle to attract the best and brightest if we can’t provide them the means to care for themselves and their families. We will struggle to offer top notch care if we can’t pay the bills to keep the building open. You are not responsible for pet owner’s financial decisions or situations. They own that responsibility. Do not assume it for them. Shame over money is definitely not isolated to just our profession- many people feel shame around finances. Including those people trying to shift their shame on to you.

Strategic Moves

-Ask your managers if they’ll walk you through the costs of the daily clinic practice. Knowing the details can be very eye opening! If this isn’t possible, there are some great veterinary business groups out there that can help educate you on the realistic costs of running a practice. 

-Think of the value of those you work with. Their salary is just as vital as yours, and none of you can get paid if you are giving services away. 

-Develop a task force to generate a library of resources for clients who struggle with funding. Even if it’s referring to a low-cost competitor, having options is empowering for you and your clients! 

Being Enough

We have very high expectations for ourselves. Often, we generate unrealistic expectations and feel ashamed when we don’t meet them. We cannot be everything for everyone in all situations. It’s not possible! And it limits possibilities. Thinking you need to “be enough” means you have nothing to strive for or avenues for improvement. If we could do this, there’d be no need for specialists! If we could do this, why develop passions and focuses in our practices? The narrower we focus, the more we can do within that focus. Being enough is working within your values and passions- not other people’s! 

Strategic Moves

-Generate a reference list of realistic expectations of yourself. Outside input is very useful here! Refer to this list when you begin to feel like you aren’t meeting your goals. 

-Work on building mentoring relationships- both being and having a mentor are very valuable in validating how far you have come, and how much room for growth there is!

Mistakes

This is a HUGE one for us. It’s fairly normal to have negative feelings about making mistakes, but when other creatures may bear the negative consequences for our mistakes, this can feel almost unbearable.  If you didn’t feel bad when you made mistakes, I’d be worried about your presence in this profession. Feeling bad can be used for the power of good or evil. If feeling bad motivates you to explore your current practice, pursue CE, or seek input from a mentor, you are managing the situation in an incredibly competent, professional and constructive way. If feeling bad generates panic attacks, avoidance of cases or work, shifting blame, or shame we really need to put the brakes on and do some hardcore work here. This shame can be incredibly stunting in your development as a clinician, and is downright dangerous to yourself and your patients. 

Strategic Moves

-Find and practice in an environment that encourages openness and learning from mistakes. I can’t stress this enough- if you are in an environment where mistakes are not acknowledged and treated as a part of learning, start looking for a different one immediately! (Or build this if you are a practice owner!)

-Consider working with a therapist or counselor- the stakes are high here, and for our perfectionist, Type A conditioning, it’s 100% worth calling out all resources. 

Comparisons

We’ve spent an entire career learning to be the best- student, applicant, intern, whatnot. Most of us continued looking around and comparing our performance to others long after it was useful. Looking up to someone is great- keep doing that. Looking across or down at someone and making judgement about them or yourself is not constructive. There will almost always be someone who is better than you at anything you do. There will almost always be someone who is doing worse at what you are doing. Your skill and talent is on a continuum. Comparison with judgement stalls your progression, and possibly damages others, as well. 

Strategic Moves

– If you struggle with comparing your value against others, suspend looking at others for the time-being. Make an honest self-assessment of where you currently are. Generate an outline of where you want to be. Start building a plan about how to reach that goal. Stay focused on the goal and your lane, not anyone outside your lane!

Where do you see shame in our profession? Where have you struggled the most? Share with us how you’re managing that shame!

Additional Resources

Book Rounds: Shame Resilience

Placing boundaries

Self-compassion

Performance

Asking for help